Manic
by RavenHeart101
Summary: "Unhealthy coping mechanisms, if any existed anyway, and an unfair want to please everyone at once." At 24, Blaine Anderson lost everything. At 25, he's working on getting it back. At 25, Noah Puckerman was discharged. At 26, he's learning to move on. Or the story of a psych ward, lost friendships, saying no, confronting demons, and learning the right way to love.


Manic.

High highs and low lows and sometimes just… numb.

It felt coarse. Like sandpaper it burned his skin until it was red and raw.

Manic.

Not brave. Not strong. Not happy. Not unhappy either. Sometimes everything at once and nothing at the same time.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms, if any existed anyway, and an unfair want to please everyone at once. A habit of stretching too thin to be what everyone wanted until the elastic snapped and couldn't be tied back together the same.

Not shocking, apparently, considering everything.

"How are you feeling today?" It was a student counselor that picked up on it. Changed majors one too many times. Stayed in a dorm with a psych major that got horribly worried when a low low happened beside a high high. It wasn't a student counselor that asked.

He didn't answer.

He didn't have to.

"Low day?"

A shrug.

"Numb?"

"I… don't know."

"Okay."

They didn't write notes here. Didn't push. Didn't have to, really. Voluntary 72 hours in a place that wasn't home with people he didn't know. He didn't tell anyone he was coming here until he came. Chris dropped him off in his beat up red Toyota with bloodshot eyes and lips too afraid to open up and question anything. It was recommended by the school therapist.

He didn't feel pressured here. The walls weren't white like a hospital and the nurse was tall and wore Spiderman scrubs.

"Can we talk about what happened last night?" Doctor Ryan was nice, had salt and pepper hair and a gray moustache over his lip. He wore a jacket with elbow patches and a pink dotted shirt and scuffed up shoes.

Five months into twenty-five and Blaine was falling apart at the seams.

"I don't want to."

"Okay." Doctor Ryan sighed. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I don't know."

He didn't know a lot lately.

72 hours had turned into seven weeks. They had him on new medication but that just made him tired. Doctor Ryan said they'd try something different but until this was out of his system he couldn't be on anything.

Progress.

They also said he was making that.

Blaine thought they were full of shit.

"The prosecutor called for you." Doctor Ryan went for instead. "They wanted to see you."

"For what?"

"Are you anxious, Blaine?"

He thought about it. The pounding of his heart, the short short nails and torn skin around edges

"I think so."

"That's normal." Doctor Ryan smiled.

"Do you think I'd have to testify?"

"You're the only one that knows what happened that night. I think they're going to want you to."

"So I should?"

"What makes you say that?"

"I have to."

"Why?"

"I… they expect me to."

"And that means you have to?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to?"

"... no."

"Then you don't have to."

A lot of things happened at once at the end of twenty four. Kurt left because Blaine was certifiably insane, Cooper got married and had a kid, Sam moved back to Ohio to teach at an elementary school, Rachel made it big for a hot second and then moved to London when she failed, Blaine's father died, Kurt tried to come back, and Chris found Blaine on a rooftop contemplating if the drop down to the pavement would make him feel anything when the old prosecutor from Ohio called to tell him Michael Warton and Nicholas Fresmenski were released from prison on a technicality.

Doctor Ryan had told him that people had called his phone looking for him, but Chris was the only one Blaine wanted to see. Did Blaine want to answer Kurt when he called? He wasn't sure. He didn't want to talk to Rachel so Doctor Ryan said he didn't have to. He had talked to Cooper only once for a total of three minutes and had hung up mid conversation because he couldn't breathe right when Cooper said "your nephew". Sam hadn't called. Tyler Justin's mom had called hysterical. Blaine wasn't even sure how she had gotten his number. Doctor Ryan refused to let him take that call even if Blaine said he wanted to. Something about Blaine's mental state.

Blaine had met three people at General's Psych Ward. Danielle Vega, Lily Scrantini, and Howard Quentin. Danielle was there on suicide watch, Lily was a volunteer in the cafeteria, and Howard was an orderly that talked to Blaine about books when he was feeling up to it. They were kind of friends, kind of just people he saw every day.

Doctor Ryan had told Blaine he was happy he was talking to people. "Do you want to talk to them?" He had asked. He had seemed proud when Blaine had taken a moment to mull the question over before saying yes.

Growth.

Progress.

Today was a day where Blaine didn't feel particularly full of either. But it was also a day that Doctor Ryan suggested he get out and do something that required him to socialize. Blaine was allowed off the premises whenever he pleased, but he only left when Chris came to visit. Lily came with them this time, with her blonde hair in curls down her back and green eyes light and shining against the bronze of her shirt. Chris had a thing for her. She had a thing for Chris too, but she had told Blaine that in confidence.

Blaine had met Chris in college when Kurt had been on Broadway for a hot second and Blaine hadn't been sure what he wanted to be except everything Kurt wanted from him. His father had insisted on college so Blaine had gone for liberal arts of some sort and actually kind of liked having a space of his own with someone that really was just happy if Blaine didn't leave laundry lying around the room. Chris had a habit of knowing when it was a low low before Blaine did. Maybe it was the psych major in him but Chris never made him feel broken the way that everyone else did.

Lily was a baker and her mom was the head chef at the psych ward. Blaine had been sitting by himself at a cafeteria table when he met her, a book in front of him with words he wasn't processing flying by. She had complimented his sweater that was old and ratty and Blaine had bought himself on a whim. Kurt had hated it but aside from a few pointed comments never minded him keeping it as long as he never wore it. Chris had brought it with him when he visited one time and Blaine had worn it for three days straight.

"What are we feeling for lunch?" It was brisk out and Chris had brought an extra pair of gloves for Blaine to wear since he always forgot his. He had been on new medication for a week now and his brain was a little foggy but the prosecutor hadn't called back after Blaine had told him to not so kindly fuck off. Doctor Ryan had actually high fived him for that one.

Lily was wearing a bright orange knit cap Danielle had made her in the rec room. It had a heart stitched on the part that folded over and coming from a girl that idolized suicide it meant a lot.

"God, coffee please." Blaine's words puffed out in clouds of white.

"Can't we ever get something other than coffee?" Chris whined with a wink but he had seen it coming.

"Only when you get a better sense of humor."

Lily laughed, startling and bright. Chris slung an arm around Blaine's shoulder and steered them into the nearest Starbucks. Blaine didn't feel guilty for his choice because Chris never made him feel guilty.

The line wasn't long and the gloves Chris had brought Blaine could fold down. It was Lily's turn to pay because that's how they did it, Blaine's would be next week. He ordered a hot cider even though it wasn't coffee because he looked good and a sandwich because he was hungry and mentally added it to his list of things to tell Doctor Ryan he had chosen for himself this week.

They sat at a table close to the windows with plush chairs and a fireplace to the side. Blaine happily listened as Chris told them about his week, Lily warm and pressed against his side with her pumpkin spice latte cradled in her hands.

"Anderson?" It was curious and out of place and cut Chris off with a sharp reality of who Blaine was. He blinked and he was back in high school, a bowtie where a blazer used to be, a coffee he didn't want in his hands, a friendship he wanted and Kurt didn't standing at the end of the table.

"Hey," Lily snapped him out of it, a warm hand on his forearm. "You okay?"

Chris was looking at him with a furrowed brow, concern something etched into the lines by his eyes. "Yeah."

It wasn't really a lie. Wasn't a truth either, if Blaine were being honest. He wasn't sure what he was at that moment. "Is that really you?" Sebastian's voice was still smooth and aristocratic. Not really from here. Ethereal. He had gotten tall where Blaine had stayed short, no longer as lanky as his limbs used to make him look and handsome with a mole by his left eye.

Blaine still wasn't attracted to him.

But he still liked to look at his smile. "Sebastian Smythe."

Doctor Ryan had a word for what Sebastian used to be - temptation. He said it wasn't bad what Sebastian had been to Blaine to anyone but Kurt. He had wanted to be his friend and Blaine hadn't had his own friends for a very long time by that time. Blaine had told him things he hadn't even told his parents. Sebastian hadn't expected anything on the low low days other than to know he was alive. Kurt had felt threatened and so Blaine had cut him off. Doctor Ryan said he probably shouldn't have but that it wasn't something to hate himself over either. People came and left all the time. Not all of it was Blaine's fault.

"It has been way too long." It wasn't flirting the way Kurt thought it had been. It was kind. Sad almost. Happy to see him. "I see your hair isn't in a helmet anymore."

Uncomfortable. Blaine smiled.

"I have to go to the bathroom." He didn't leave room for argument and sprang to his feet. No one followed him. Chris almost did but Lily shook her head minutely no.

He wasn't panicking.

He wasn't entirely okay either.

The light in the small bathroom wasn't entirely bright but the porcelain of the sink was cold against the palms of his hands. He looked at himself deep in his own eyes, the green swirling into brown. He had changed. He hadn't worn his hair gel since he was twenty three and he gave bowties when he moved into the dorm room at college. He had lost weight and then gained it back. Lost it again and gained it again. He had a tattoo on the side of his neck from a rare afternoon Cooper had visited after their father died and wore a jean jacket over a Star Wars tee Danielle had gotten him for his five week anniversary at the ward.

He looked tired but awake. Alive. Older.

"Hey." A knock. "You okay in there?" It wasn't someone he knew but Blaine opened it anyway.

"Sorry." Blaine scratched his neck. "All yours." He didn't make eye contact and walked back to their little corner.

Chris and Lily stopped whispering furiously to each other when he came back and dropped into his seat like a heavy sack of rocks. "He gave me his number for you." Lily slid the napkin over to him. "For when you're ready to talk again."

He half smiled at her and left it on the table as they stayed talking.

He only put it in his pocket when they were leaving and he had decided he wanted it. For the future.

Blaine used to have black outs where he acted very much not like himself. It started after Sadie Hawkins and his last one was eight weeks ago when Chris found him on that rooftop. It was always after a period of low lows and usually Blaine would end up doing something that made him hate himself. The first time had been punching a doctor. Then it was swearing at a teacher. Shoving Sam. Cheating on Kurt. Proposing. Setting all his bowties on fire. Trying to kill himself.

Doctor Ryan had consulted with an actual neurologist when it came to those. Blaine wasn't crazy. He was, however, suffering from whatever brain injury those idiots in freshman year had done to him when kicking him in the head repeatedly.

The doctors had helped. The medication helped. A lot of sleep helped.

So did noticing triggers.

This was, unfortunately, a big trigger.

"You look…" Kurt was still beautiful and apparently visiting New York with Rachel to happily relive their glory days. Blaine had to stop going to Starbucks.

"I have to go." Blaine waved over his shoulder where Chris stood weaving on his scarf.

"Wait." Kurt paid the barista. "Can we talk? How are you?"

"I have to go."

"Blaine." Kurt insisted.

He always insisted.

Blaine wouldn't look him in the eye. If he did, he would do whatever Kurt wanted. Again.

"No." He said to his shoes. "Listen, I have to go."

"Are you okay?" Kurt grabbed his sleeve. "We haven't…."

"I've never been okay." He said it in a rush, revelled a but in how it caught Kurt off guard. "I have to go."

"Blaine!" Chris waved him over. "We have to go!"

"I'm… I'm sorry, Kurt."

And he left, his heart hammering in his chest and his high fading to a low low low and Blaine couldn't remember how he got to Doctor Ryan's office except he was there, his knuckles were bleeding and his mouth tasted like copper.

"Are you back?" Doctor Ryan asked softly, his wrinkled hand on Blaine's knee. Patient.

They had probably been waiting there for hours.

"Yes." Blaine blinked. "I… I'm sorry."

"Sush." Doctor Ryan reprimanded softly. "Can you tell me what you last remember?"

"Kurt."

Doctor Ryan hummed. "How was that?"

"Horrible." It came out in a breath, long and sighing and suffering. With it was a prickle of tears Blaine swallowed down.

"Why didn't you leave?"

"I don't know."

"Blaine." Doctor Ryan tapped his pen against the arm of his chair. "Don't lie to me."

"I… he wouldn't let me."

"You don't need his permission."

Blaine nodded even though he didn't know.

Doctor Ryan didn't say much more. He told Blaine that he had punched the wall until his hand almost broke. That he had gnawed through his lip and sat catatonic until he pulled himself out of it. Told him that Chris wasn't upset, just angry at the situation that had caused it. Told him time and time again to not apologize for what happened to anyone but himself. His brain had needed a break.

Blaine had gone back to his room and then gone to the rec room instead. Howard was in the corner playing checkers with Danielle who had a new bandage on her wrist. Blaine sat alone but with everyone at the same time. He relished in the silence and watched.

He would have to leave soon, he knew that much. This place wasn't meant for the relatively stable. Still, his stomach felt tight at the thought.

"Mind if I sit here?" Blaine tucked his feet in closer to his chest and shook his head.

He knew him.

From a long time ago.

"What are you doing here?" He asked before he could stop himself.

"Volunteering." He didn't ask why Blaine was there. Which, thank the lord.

Blaine hummed and nodded. He pressed his cheek against his knees and watched Danielle steal one of Howard's pieces.

"You okay?"

"Mhm."

They sat in silence for a moment longer. "What should I call you?"

"Noah. Everyone does now."

"Everyone?"

"Everyone that matters."


End file.
